I am a FAN

Disclaimer: I have no connection to Karen's Kids.

I am writing about these hand made dolls because they are nothing short of FANtastic and I'm determined to spread the word.
I'm always looking for new options for Asian dolls. There's a bit of the same old same old out there, but then I tripped across Karen's Kids. These dolls are exceptional. I'm so impressed with her work because she doesn't just do multicultural dolls, she also has "special angels" which are handicapable dolls (down syndrome, cochlear implant, missing limb) wow. How wonderful for so many children to be able to have a doll that "looks like them" and that they can identify with. You can buy ready made dolls that are available for sale, or have one custom made to your specifications. She's full up for Christmas this year already, but this is such an outstanding find that I have to share regardless (and it's not like we don't have the time to wait....)

Her blurb and a sample of her work:

My name is Karen Challender and I've been making handmade dolls for over 25 years. I make dolls of every race, including African American Dolls, Asian Dolls, BiRacial Dolls, Caucasian Dolls, Latino Dolls and Native American Dolls. Each race has at least 3 ready made doll's available for instant purchase, or custom order a doll with the eye, hair, hairdo and outfit you'd like.

There will definitely be one of these lovely dolls awaiting Vivi's arrival.

Vivi's Room

In August, I adjusted my attitude.
In September, I shopped.
In October, I rubbed and rubbed and rubbed.
In November, I'm not even close to done.
Which is great because I'm having fun.

Her room will be her secret, safe, soothing garden.




And the whole family is coming together to help...


Except, of course, the Beagle who -
"WILL ONLY WORK FOR FOOD."

Getting Really Real

Since my previously crusty heart has once again gushed all up inside, I decided to start jumping off cliffs. Proverbially, I assure you. I decided that I am committing to my adoption. (Insert maniacal laughter here). I guess having to win a spot in a lottery; six months of paperchase across the entire United States; waiting for more than three years; having single adoptions X-ed so that I can never start this again through China; having her name picked out aaaaaaallllll this time (even if that _____ Angelina Jolie stole it two years into my wait); traveling to China; recently completing my fourth home study; getting fingerprinted five times; negotiating USCIS for the third I-171H (Uh, pardon me, but what do you mean you sent notice of my approval to the Ukraine??!!); and, of course those thousands of dollars; just wasn't enough for me to feel "really" committed to adopting V. My "REAL" commitment - was starting her room.

I went to the edge of the cliff and said... "Dang it! I'm going to start ACTING like she's actually coming!" No more Queen mattress and box spring leaning on the wall... no more calling it the "cat" room or the "extra" bedroom. It's Vivi's room and I'm putting it together. So THERE!

I initially felt that leaving the room as is was the better choice for me. I couldn't stand the thought of decorating the whole thing, getting it all set... and it sitting empty for years. That thought was overwhelming to me... but I realize now, it was also fed into my ambivalence... my avoidance. For me, coping was all about avoiding any and all reminders I was actually planning to adopt. And I'm sick and tired of that. It's not living... it's limbo. The stark reality was that even though I was doing everything technically necessary to adopt, I still held onto that little voice in the the back of my mind saying, "Well, you can always not go through with it."

I am done. I am done with that. I am going to live, act and plan as if she is REALlycoming. I am going to live that REALity. She's REAL, and I need to be ready to parent her from day one. She is my REALity and I am hers.

Wow, is that where my heart has been hiding?

Since my Chinese adoption torture breakdown, curious things have been happening. First, I found myself motivated in a new way to get my paperwork renewed. I got on top of it - got stuff (and more money) out in the mail to USCIS - I wrote my own petition for an extension for the State certification - I just got off my butt and got going. Next, I was surprised when I realized that I had actually checked into a couple of adoption blogs. I checked the email in my "adoption" email account for the first time in... ah... ok, about 18 months (geeeeze!) I found myself really looking at the calendar that's been on my office wall for three years with the months of parents lined up in front of me - different color highlights as I filled in each batch of matched LIDs - and I looked at the little box in red that marks my LID of 6/13/06. Yes, it is still taking six months for CCAA to get through a month of waiting LID families - but instead of feeling broken... I felt a twinge of hope for the first time in ages.

I don't know what's changed inside me... or why it has... but it's like that rant of frustration broke the dam that separated me from all things adoption related - and the good feelings I once had. It's not as if anything has changed in the big picture. At the 6 months work to match 1 month of parents rate - I'm still probably more than a year away - in addition to the three I've already waited. Nothing's different - but me. I feel different. I feel hopeful again. I feel connected to something more than just me. I feel joy... anticipation... and the willingness to plan. To plan! That's something I've refused to let creep into even the furthest recess of my mind. But somehow - I can now - and it doesn't make my heart feel like it's being squeezed in an enormous steel vice. I can have thoughts of "her"... and smile. I can look at that empty room holding the spare mattress and box spring and start imagining how to decorate.

Someone asked me on last Friday about the progress on my adoption and I actually answered with enthusiasm instead of a low growl. Wow. I didn't even realize my heart was gone until, after all that ranting and self-pity, I just tripped across it. It'd fallen back behind the dresser and somehow was lodged into the far corner of my room. I almost didn't see it - all covered in dust bunnies in the dark. But the force of my breath from all that whining must have uncovered it just enough. I picked it up in my hand and stared at it all dry and shriveled and I mourned how little attention I had paid to it for so long. I felt a swell of determination grow in me as I cleaned it up and pushed it back into my chest. I waited without taking a breath... until I felt the first beat.

2009: I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT!!!!

Alright already! China you win... YOU WIN!! You've broken me with your Chinese Adoption Torture!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?????!!!! Everyone's home WITH their babies - but me???? OH HELL NO!! My frickin ticker is now counting by the YEAR??!!!! I can't stand even looking at this blog -- it so heartbreaking. I can't bring myself to post ANYTHING... I can't stand to read anyone else's blog... I have a friend who has to MAKE me look each month to see where referrals are up to... and it's always TWO FRIGGING DAYS of progress. YES YES I've finally lost it. I lost it so bad that I almost let my paperwork expire... I was in such avoidance I refused to even look at the deadlines approaching. I don't have a snazzy blog that I devotedly attend to. I don't have a prepared nursery. I don't have some great pediatrician lined up. I can hardly even stand to THINK about my adoption. In fact I actually get sick to my stomach if I even TRY to think about it. I have refused to let myself buy ANYTHING baby-related for years now. GOT THAT??!! YEEEAAARRRS!!!!! I now have THREE dogs and two cats and my thirty-something status is now FORTY plus! YES PLUS! My house is a wreck... I haven't done laundry in three weeks... and you know what?? I'm just soooo PISSED OFF. Yes, I said it - PISSED OFF. For heaven's sake I'm even resorting to fake swear words I'm so frustrated!!!! I hate this, I hate this, I HATE THIS.

AAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three years and..... WHATEVER.

'Nuff said.

May to PA

Caity's Birthday

Two Years and Counting...

It is crazy and it's making me crazy too. I know there's a lot of people to keep me company while we watch the referrals dwindle. **sigh**

2008: Zen, Schmen! Tired of Waiting?? Go to China!! I DID!!

At the beginning of this year (2008) CCAI (my agency) announced an opportunity for waiting adoptive families to travel to China as a group. The trip offered a 10-day itinerary, including four different cities, twelve popular tourist destinations, and one special opportunity to volunteer at an orphanage. They called it a "Pre-Adoptive China Tour" or "PACT 2008". I could not have been more thrilled and I wanted to go! I was very apprehensive about traveling to China in the first place, and it was one of the worries that plagued me while awaiting my match. It was stressful enough for me to imagine traveling in China itself, but with a new baby who wouldn't know me from Eve... the combined thought made my tummy gritch! I saw the PACT as a great opportunity to give the China Travel itself a dry run. I was sold from the start. However, it wasn't a sure thing unless "enough" families signed up.

We got the news on Feb 22nd that enough families were signed up that the trip was a go! Surprisingly, only five CCAI waiting families had signed up. I had expected more... but regardless, it was enough. I sum it all up by calling it nothing less than the best travel experience of my life. I can only rave, rave, and RAVE about CCAI's staff in planning and executing this trip. It was an exceptional privilege to be able to participate, at a very reasonable price, with other adoptive families, seeing so much... including... hang on to your hats!!... a personal welcome and tour of CCAA, by the Director, himself!! Totally unexpected and such a fantastic suprise.

We departed on April 15th and returned on April 25th. Since returning, I've been downloading pictures and sleeping... sleeping... and.. well... sleeping. hehe. I will share my experiences as best I can in postings to follow.

2007: Year in Review

The Big You Know!!
My neice Caity and nephew Colton.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!
Auntie Jen scores a big one with the "authentic" tee-pee from Arizona!


Winter 2007